Obligatory Oscar post

Alright. We did the Grammy thing a couple weeks ago. I pretty much live facebooked my thoughts the whole time, but alas, I didn’t get sucked into watching the Oscars. But of course the internet was all a Twitter about a bunch of different stuff, so here are some conclusions I’ve drawn from the aftermath:

1) Jennifer Lawrence is seriously awesome. Totally endearing, and her response to the silly question about the “process” of getting dressed was hilarious. I would totally take shots with her, and I feel like she’d be really good with my “we have to do a toast every time!” rule.

2) No one has ever seen a boob, or anything suggesting a boob before. Like ever.

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Omgah, the cut of her dress suggests nipple!  This is a big deal, because most of us have never seen a nipple before, of course. Who cares! My thoughts on this? I dislike the dress, period, but I think Anne’s haircut is lovely. Also, shame on Huffington Post for beating this with a dead horse.

 

 

 

 

3. No, but seriously, boobs are a big effing deal. I can never make up my mind about Seth MacFarlane, although it seems he was decidedly a complete ass on Sunday night. Apparently, not much of a funny one either. The whole, “We Saw Your Boobs” thing is just stupid. And apparently some of the actresses called out weren’t impressed either.

Charlize Theron is a great woman to bring up, because her topless shot

Not impressed.

Not impressed.

was in the movie “Monster,” in a scene where her character was getting VIOLENTLY RAPED. Don’t worry, guys, I haven’t forgotten that Tosh taught us that rape is always funny.

He also brought up a scene from a Jodi Foster movie, hers being a gang rape scene. Awesome.

That part is legitimately not cool, and I think part of the awfulness is because, again, boobs are awesome, but seriously, not a big deal, unless you’re maybe twelve and have never seen them before. Why are we singing a song about this? Why did we have to listen?  I really don’t think I’m missing something clever or meta, either.

The second annoying part, is that it was almost played off as a “gotcha” moment, as my favorite ex-Alaskan governor would say. “Hey! Ha! We saw your boobs!” And while I don’t telepathically communicate with Charlize, or Anne, or whoever, I feel like my reaction would be something like,

I realize I add my own gaze to this, but I feel like her face reads "violated?"

I realize I add my own gaze to this, but I feel like her face reads “violated?”

“YES motherfucker. You’ve seen my boobs. I actually was a conscious party to that whole thing, got paid a TON of money to do it, and collaborated with  other actors, and a whole film crew and was aware, that yes, my breasts, my exquisite breasts, were, in fact, in the frame.  Why are you acting like you’re sneaky and took something from me?”

One person who can be legit pissed is Scarlett Johansson,  who’s picture was actually from a private moment that shady paparazzi took.

Just, not cool.

And that’s really all I have. Interestingly enough, I posted a teaser about this on Facebook earlier, noting that boobs would be part of the discussion. From that alone, I’ve had more views today than the rest of the week combined!

Takes boob call out in stride, still totally rad.

Takes boob call out in stride, still totally rad.

Interesting, very interesting.

A LOT of other people have had thoughts on this, including Lena Dunham and Jane Fonda and pretty much everyone else. So check it out if you’re so inclined.

Final note. Fellas, you are ONLY allowed to comment and judge women’s breasts out loud if you are prepared to pull down your pants and let us judge your penises in turn.  And if you think that’s radical, you should think about it a bit more 🙂

 

 

 

 

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